Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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