hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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