youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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