hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
