I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
