Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
