Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize