me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
