he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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