Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
