You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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