you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
