He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
