Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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