Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
