he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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