I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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