Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
