How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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