i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
