my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
