I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
