Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
