if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
