I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
