I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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