I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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