i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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