I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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