one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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