I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
