I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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