Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
