Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize