i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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