I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
