Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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