just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
