Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
