party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
