My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Acid is not a monday night drug
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
