there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
even my farts smell like vagina
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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