I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
