Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
