Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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