So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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