I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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