So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
