why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
