i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
