My pussy is not your playground.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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